Marriage - The Trust Factor
Author: Ieuan Dolby
Article source: http://www.seadolby.com/. Used with author's permission.
It is seemingly human nature to drift away, to look were one shouldn't and to do what one should not have looked at in the first place. In other words participants to marriage invariable and eventually dabble in somebody else paint pot, plant tulips in the neighbours garden or use the secretary for duties not mentioned in her contract; whether they get caught or not is not the point under discussion here. What is of importance is the fact that most people who swim in somebody else's pond act suspicious, start to behave strangely and invoke immediate suspicion from the other partner!
The husband who suddenly starts working late, who decides late on in life that being fashionable isn't such a bad thing after all and who maybe takes to clipping his nose hairs might just well be having an affair with his boss or secretary! The wife who signs herself up for a car mechanics course, who suddenly starts singing whilst doing the washing up and who blushes uncontrollably, were before not a blemish would disturb the paleness, might just well be having an affair with the lad from the garage down the road!
By simply having an affair they have become untrustworthy! It is sad to assume that marriage and trust are inextricably linked through having sex only with each other, there must be other things that one needs to be trusted with, but past records tell us otherwise. Trusting a partner to buy milk on the way home or to take the dog out for a walk is not on the same level as trusting one to be faithful. In marriage trust is used solely and forcibly in connection with faithfulness and nothing else invoking trust comes anywhere close.
It is not only the ability to trust one another that will formulate a deep friendship but the ability to trust oneself. At the point were the floodgates are opened and the rail tracks crossed there is no turning back and so to retain an element of friendship lies will have to be told however white or small they maybe. Having crossed the invisible barrier the only way to co-exist with the spouse is to pretend that nothing untoward has happened but unfortunately the inbuilt character of the unfaithful will change, least of all because he/she has tasted the bread and now wants the butter (probably with jam and on both sides). The unfaithful party is now hiding something that cannot be shared and due to these new external interests his movements, actions and conversations back home will change - in simple terms the trust factor has been sadly broken in two!
Before partners in marriage can become friends there needs to be a total trust, they cannot start to live their own lives if there is any possibility of either one falling by the wayside. To gain this trust it is essential to realise early on that the other partner is essential to the future, as a friend and as a lover. It is equally important to realise that any breach in this understanding is to break up into a thousand pieces any possibility of a friendship being cemented. To test run the neighbour's wife, to be swept off your feet by the milkman will be the end of all endings despite the other finding out or not. It is thus imperative in both minds that friendship is of far greater importance than anything else, despite the fact that the romance has worn off and that sex no longer bears thinking about, that it is all worthwhile simply for what friendship brings.
Friendship brings companionship, support and a hot cup of coffee when required. An affair brings an excellent romp in the back seat of a mini, a failed marriage and a possible hot cup of coffee over the head by both the affair and the partner back home! Yes, the heady days of romance have been rekindled with a young blonde or Melvin Bragg and certainly those feelings of being loved and wanted are back in town but it is important to distinguish between what is merely 'heady' and what is sensible. A quick dabble of the wick or a tune up at the garage is not the gate to a new beginning it is simply a break in the bonds of trust and whether or not it feels good at the time it certainly will not be good in the long run!
Partners who feel that their friendship is good but their sex life is defunct should have the maturity and sensibility to talk about such things without giggling hysterically, running to the nearest available sex pot or blaming the other for its terribleness. There are alternative solutions to a poor sex life, ones that can become acceptable and enjoyable to both parties without infringing on the bonds of trust. Partner swapping, mass orgies, role play and even simply changing the way one goes about making love are all avenues for research, maybe not all to some and only one or two to others but considering these is the better road to tread!
As a final note; it is possible to let the eyes wander just don't let it become physical and most of all don't let the other partner catch you eyeing up some well dressed chick or a hunk with a set of pecks on proud display. This may sound like the trust is being broken but for some reason or other (that is not worth discussing here) this little excursion to the other side is permissible. Probably because both parties are doing it! Author and Webmaster of Seamania. As a Chief Engineer in the Merchant Navy he has sailed the world for fifteen years. Now living in Taiwan he writes about cultures across the globe and life as he sees it.
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